girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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