He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
