A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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