You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
