I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize