Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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