It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
