forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize