Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
