his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
