youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
