every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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