The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
