i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
