He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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