I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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