so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
