yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
you never un-have a 4some
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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