I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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