My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
