So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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