The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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