I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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