Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
