im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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