Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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