Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
