one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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