I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
All I want is dick and wine.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
