My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize