He is such a slut. More and more my type.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
