Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
