Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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