it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
