shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize