I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
