You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
