Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
