I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i can't believe i had my finger in that
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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