just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Houston, we have a squirter
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Drunk is not a location!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
