i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
