Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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