I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My vagina just clenched in fear
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
