So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
