I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
