Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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