I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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