dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
