Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need a burrito and a hug.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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