soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
