there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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