I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
