you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
