wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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