I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it's not cheating when I paid for it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
