i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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