I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
