u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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