I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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