apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
